Dissociative Identity Disorder
publish date: 2025-09-22
author: allissa (itzzen@itzzen.net)
category: personal
Prologue
Hi reader, it’s been a while. While I’d usually take this section to apologize for not writing anything onto my blog for months at a time, it’s become expected. It does feel good to write long entries instead of short nonsense, so I hope I’ll be motivated to persue this blog once again, but no promises.
This blog entry coveres some distressing topics that may not be for the faint of heart. This is purely to archive my own personal mental health events to make it easier to explain ourselves to others and therapists. If reading further may upset you, I’d skip this one.
I’d like to personally thank my close friends and especially my girlfriend who have been nothing but helpful to me in navigating this absolutely scary point in my life. You all mean the world to me.
A new chapter
I found myself finally settling into my new college dorm. This was the beginning of the part of my life I had been dreaming about since I was 14: Being my own girl. Finally having complete control over my life without the controlling hand of my caretakers. It felt liberating. But as the weeks pass, classes start, new friends are made, and the city rolls on… The most exciting part of my life as just begun, and it all feels really mundane.
I tried to figure out why I felt the way I did, but nothing I did helped or explained anything. I tried eating at new resturants, making new friends, exploring the city. I boarded a random bus and took photographs of the places it took me. But alas, I felt completely null. It was depressing.
As the weeks go on, nothing positive happens either. My fediverse timeline began to spiral out of control with those I follow posting negative mental health posts. It didn’t help that weeks prior to me moving into my dorm I had undergone serious traumatic events. A girl I used to be in a relationship with affirms the date on when she wants to kill herself, a person who I once considered a close friend backstabbed me. I was flown out far away from home during it too, contributing to how horrible I felt during those times. How my parents treated me the moment I finally arrived back home making everything worse and worse.
I was depressed, and I was getting more and more anxious until it finally hit a breaking point I was completely unprepared for.
Dissociation
One night I found myself taking a hot bath late at night. I sink in the water and let the music play on, relaxing in the moment. Suddenly, I start to get emotional, and fast. At first I thought this was going to be yet another night where I would just need to let my thoughts slow down over time, but they persisted.
Within a couple minutes, I was pushing myself against the left side of the bathtub, clinging onto whatever made me feel like myself in this sudden tsunami of emotions. My ability to control my body was regressed to basic operations. I could control my breathing, I could blink, I could control my swallowing, but nothing more. I was staring into a visual snow abiss and there was no way of snapping out of it. I was never prepared for an emotional spiral so fast and dehabilitating.
I’d shortly regain some control over my body’s basic motor functions, but it was pointless. I’d move my eyes onto a different part of the bathroom just to lock up again. Static clouded my vision again, and any further attempts of escaping this endless spiral became futile. This cycle drowned out longer and longer, until I heard a voice.
“You need to get out of that bath, you need to take your meds, and you need to go to bed.”
That voice was an alter I had not met until that night. I resisted at first, absolutely horrified at everything that was happening that night already, but then I caved. From then on, I was barely able to keep control over my own body. My conciousness was fading in and out. My body was under the control by someone who wanted to make sure I would stay alive and healthy. I was able to see things, but I struggled to remember. Those were not my words, those were not my actions, and “Alice” is absolutely not my name. Once I regained control, I just went back to spiraling out of control until I faded away once again.
The next morning
I had just registed to me that I had undergone a system awakening. My head still hurt that following morning from how many times my headmates and I switched in and out of the front seat. I was ruffled from the whole experience. I had gone from a platou of emotions to being suddenly engrained in an incredibly active plural system. The following days I’ve experienced nothing short of new discoveries and emotional stress.
What made last night stick was that, Alice stuck around. She continued to be a voice belonging to herself and her beliefs. She mostly took over the front to ensure I took my meds and brushed my teeth at night. She would front outside of this too for reasons other than to just protect me. Additional headmates have shown up since then too. lavender, a little, first fronted a few days after that night. lulu, another little who has existed since 2023, became significantly more active too.
I’ve also figured out that while I’ve mostly lost the ability to remember the actions of my headmates when they are fronting, lulu still retains access to all of our memories.
As of writing, things have sort-of calmed down. Our system is getting more used to how things work, but there is still some trouble to be had and new discovereies to be made. It has been a rough few weeks, but we are still alive. We still are here, and we will continue to survive.
Ending statements.
Thank you so much for reading this. This has been one of the messiest blog posts I’ve ever written out talking about such a personal topic about ourselves. However, I feel it is best to talk about this. I feel better talking about it.
I’m going to begin my search for a therapist to hopefully bring our lives under control again and get the help we really need.